Hey there myself. I didn't expect to write this soon but I think needed you to know a thing or two. I'm writing this with mixed feelings at this moment so expect nonsense and inconsistencies.
I just went through a pretty big events in my life. Its something, you guess it- that cost a heart, again.
So you must be remember the girl that I mentioned in the last post? I'm sure you does.
Yeah, it didn't work out. I was confused back then because she left me hanging, no explanation. It's been like, 7 months since I talked to her and one day she texted me back. But to no surprise, she needed help. And I pretty sure you know how well you are back then. You helped her, no questions asked. Then you tweeted out something about how funny things are when people leave you behind and suddenly came back for something treating like nothing happened (read: selfish). I didn't expect this but she says she's sorry. You two talk over this and yeah, things are okay now between the two of you. I hope.
Tinder's been a place for you to try something new, at least when everything else not working. So there you are, on adventures. You met with a lot of people. But as what generic modern people would says: People come and go. I chuckled.
But first, let me highlights you few events that might interest you in the future. I will explains further later.
There's this one girl, you kind of have the vibe with her but it didn't work out. She just suddenly doesn't feel like proceeding with no exact explanations. Yes, the same thing that happen to you previously. (tl;dr: You cried tf)
Then, just recently you met with a girl. Kinda bright girl. You two go on a movie date (am I allowed to use this?) and you seems to like her a lot. Like a LOT I don't know why. You love how she talks about her obsessions with physics, movies, her dreams, and her life. You just love all about it. Pretty sure you're drunk. Thanks Pepsi Zero. But it didn't go well, Syauqi.
Things been going on with her life (hard) that she had to deal and you know what? She also did the same thing like other girls did to you. She leaves you hanging. Oh boy, you are so confused with everything that just happened and started to lose you mind again. I don't mean to embarrass you but you like a drunk man. You prayed like hell, you asked Him everything, and talks a lot about her but it still didn't go well. Now that I think about it, yeah... you really into her.
But at the time you wondered where did all of this go wrong? Did you make any mistakes even though you did the very best for them? Is this cursed of your life for all the sins you committed? You just don't know. (maybe, you just fucking boring)
It feels like its wrong to be kind? Like you had to be this bad so that people will notice you. Tf.
OK. Maybe I think a little too much here. And then, I sometimes feels like, people didn't notice me just because I'm the generic-nice-guy. Like literally the guy who don't even think about love and just a fucking nice guy. I don't know. I don't know anymore.
So, I have this late conversation with a friend of mine, quite special to me. She summarize me this:
1. Some of them take me for granted because I'm always there for them, and forgive them.
2. When they leave you hanging, they are afraid to be honest. To them, that's the best thing to do (read: selfish)
It hit me hard when she told me these two. Yes, I'm always want to be there for them. I just felt its the right thing to do. When they are in sadness and seeking for comfort, of course the right thing to do is you be available for them as soon as possible. In this case, it sounds like I'm expecting a return. I wanted my feelings to be responded because I legit care about them and will do everything for them. But it didn't get responded. Perhaps because I'm not the one? (or you just fucking lonely and rush into things loool)
Of course, I'm sad that my feelings didn't get responded but for them to leave me? Why?
I couldn't brain why you had to leave. At least, do talk. But yeah, the talk never happens.
I don't know, Syauqi. I don't know. My life has always been putting others first before myself. I never had any regrets putting them first before me. This even include my friends.
But they always put themselves before you especially when they had a rough time dealing with their problems.
And then you can clearly see (as what modern people would say) that I'm the fault here. I'm not selfish. I only care about others, not myself. Yeah, fuck me.
But it didn't bother me one bit. It is my choice that I choose to put others before me and I don't have any problem with it. It just feel a little sad that people only think for themselves most of the time as if others don't really matter. They acted so strong that they don't need anyone else. They wanted to moved on that they had to cast away others for a bullshit refresh start.
Sigh. I'm sorry for all this rants, myself, everyone. I just hate how things are right now because in logical sense- you can just talk over this. But it didn't happen.
I still hope one day we can talk over this and see where we go from here. But is it gonna be worth it?
Do you appreciate me still?
Do you care about me still?
Do you love me? Fuck. (i'm still look forward thoooooooooooo)
Eugh I hate how complicated myself is.
1. Always think about others first
2. Can't selfish
3. Forgiving
4. Always here
5. Believes there always good in someone
6. Never say no to help
7. Emotional when dealing with feelings
8. Will accept things as they are soon enough
9. yet, hopeful. (always believe that we can start over because i'm the generic-kind guy)
Perhaps, I'm literally just a RnR.
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