Hey, its been a while. How long was it, 4 years?
Yes, 4 years I hadn't update anything. I used to love writing, conveying my feelings and thoughts here. I stopped writing because I couldn't write anything, its been a tough life.

But now that I'm here, I guess I will give a little heads up so that my future self can look back in case of emergency.

2015 been a happiest year of my life. I couldn't believed that there's someone looking at me. I thought, I'm a mere loser, lonely boy (yes, must admit it).

I think I should give it a try.
I'm happy, happy. I'd get to know someone, and to love. I felt that I am riding on a roller coaster, getting higher, and higher. Yes, as you expect I will go down at high speed and my God, it feels heavy.

I have given my best, the best that I could but things doesn't go as I expected. I'm having a hard time. I didn't complain, but I made mistakes. Then, I blamed myself for it.

2016 has its ups and down. I had tons of fun with the event, and competition joined. And yeah, the story doesn't stop there. I still blamed myself for failing to get things better.
This year, I went for a 8 months internship. Much fun, but with more sadness.

I felt like I kept failing with the things I have been working so hard. Where did it go wrong? I asked.
Maybe, I didn't try hard enough.
I had reached my limit, I am broken.
At this point, I had realized that I didn't keep in check of my feelings. I was working so hard that I ruined everything. That's what I thought.

2017, the year of truth. We know the truth.
The parasite that have been ruining the relationship, and everything. It was too late, I guess?
I think it can still be forgiven. (Typical me)

(But the "demon" inside of me didn't want me to forgive, so it made me the person I am today with no shit to give)

The relationship is now, dead. I guess?
Ended.
We came upon conclusion, that it should be ended. But hey, we are still friends. We really are. (Close friend 🙃)
Now, the single path have been divided into two. I am going the other way.
I thought, I can moved on from the ending. No, I couldn't.

I am seeing myself (as of the date) getting desperate.
I fucked things up. (final year projects, life, everything)
I am getting worse, day by day.
I want to start over my life again, I really do.
Please, help me.

I need to get my shit together.
I need to be strong.
I only have me.
Me.

I stopped talking.
But life is still the same.
Everyone do their own shit. I'm with my shit, sins.

Its almost at the end of 2017, the end of my degree. I should be happy, right?
Yes, a little happy. But I left with a lot of sadness.
I made mistakes with my project, I cried in my room after the viva.
Silly thing is, I wrote a note on a paper "Do not disturb me" and stuck it at the back of my head.
And I cried. I want you to remember that. Please do not forget that day.
Please.

I left UTP. Everyone too.
But the memories are still there. Warm.

2018, everybody. I told Ekrahm, 2018 is Syauqi that is willing to take risk, and make his own decision. In other word, me that can get hold of shit together, alone.
Its been tough, yeah it is.
I cried here and there. I wandered here and there seeking peace.
(Praying and everything I did, but of course nothing happen if you didn't do anything)

Yeah, I'm still normal, I had feelings. To be accurate, inclination to someone.
I think you can say I had to get back to zero?
A long route it is.

Crush is fun, tons of fun.
And it gives sadness too.
I cried. What a weenie.

I thought I am losing my sanity. I didn't.
Still the same me, seeking peace.
Maybe you asked, why didn't you start over the last relationship?
I couldn't. Have my reasons.
I am sure, you still remember it by today.

And I hope you still doing your part. 🙃

Today (the date), I dated with myself. I bought myself a snackers box, upsized drink.
KFC at my place has the best view ever, and it inspired me something.

I realized what went wrong.
I didn't made peace with myself. (Quoted this from Overwatch game, silly it may sound but its true in my perspective)

Peace with myself, is what I should be looking for.
I didn't get to know myself. I even forgot what is my strengths and weakness.
What are my hobbies?
What I want to do in future?
I don't know. I stopped thinking about that.

In short, I stopped loving myself.
I want to know myself more.
I want to know what I am capable of.
I want to know how far I can go.

I hope, in future you still love yourself.
See what you can do and what you can't do.
And improve.
I know you can do it.
Have faith in yourself.
Everybody have been saying these to you, but back then you didn't tell yourself that.

Let's make peace, you?

That's pretty much what had happened. There's more but I don't think I could write this longer.

I made new friends too.
There's a girl that I talked a lot with, went on adventures. We pretty much discussed our shit together. I had my feelings on her, but there's nothing I can do much about it. But I am happy that she is happy with what she have. My prayers will be always on you, get your shit together girl 🙃
Keep in touch.

Today, I am onto someone. I am sure I will likely fail. But I don't want any regrets. I am sure will give you heads up when the time comes.

That's it for now. Don't messed things up, you.