Did I Do it Wrongly?

            Pencapaian pertama UPSR 2007; boleh dikatakan titik permulaaan kepada sebuah perjuangan untuk masa depan.
Kecil-kecil lagi katanya nak jadi seorang doktor, guru, usahawan, tidak pun seorang polis yang menegakkan keadilan.

           Tapi pemikiran kita tidaklah seperti seorang yang sudah bekerja, seorang yang genius.
Tidak matang lagi berfikir, cuma ingin menjadi sesuatu sebab merasakan kita ni boleh jadi macam mereka suatu hari nanti.

           Alam sekolah menengah (rendah) mendedahkan kita dengan kewujudan huruf dalam sistem nombor, sejarah negara yang dahulunya sukar, kini membangun, bentuk geografi di dunia dan khususnya Malaysia, serta sistem penulisan dan pertuturan dalam dua bahasa.

Ada antara kita yang mula garu kepala "Apa kejadahnya* ini?"
Ada antara kita juga tidaklah ambil peduli akan ilmu-ilmu sebab terlalu berseronok dalam dunia hiburan, dunia cinta yang "indah". </3

           Namun, hari hari perjuangan perlu diteruskan. Dan bila mana umumnya keputusan PMR, ada yang gugur dimedan perang, ada juga yang memperoleh pencapaian yang diharapkan. "Alhamdulillah", bisik hati kita. Biarpun ada yang gugur, mereka masih melihat disitu wujudnya harapan utk mereka berjaya. Dan mulalah meninggalkan semuanya yang melalaikan, memutuskan "cinta", dan mendekatkan diri pada yang Esa.

Hari demi hari, semakin mencabarnya menuntut ilmu. Didedahnya kebolehan nombor dan huruf utk diintegrasi dan dibezakan, pemahaman tentang sel dan organ manusia serta sekitarnya, dan hukum hukum fizik dan kimia yang menjangkaui imaginasi.

Tapi alhamdulillah, ada antara kita berjaya mengharunginya, ada yang hampir, dan ada yang jauh dari harapan.
Dan bila berakhirnya dunia sekolah menengah ini, kita mula memikirkan tentang masa depan kita dgn lebih jauh.

"Lepas ni nak ambil apa ya?"
"Kahwin awal or lambat?"
"Mungkin aku patut berhenti teruskan dan bekerja"
"Nak buat apa lepas ni"

Banyak tawaran yang datang sebaik sahaja keputusan SPM diumumkan; ada peluang nak ke negara itu, negara ini. Ada juga sekurang-kurangnya dapat masuk universiti tempatan dan swasta.
Tapi ada antara kita tak mampu merancang masa depan kita dgn baik.

Abu kata "Masuk UTP lah, best, ada peluang kerja tinggi nanti"
Ali kata "3 pilihan yang aku mintak haritu Chemical, Mechanical, Electrical, harap dapat lah chemical >.< "
Aini kata "Aku takut aku tak dapat tawaran lain dah, jadi masuk jelah UTP"
Arina kata "Haritu aku mintak fast track SPC nak pergi luar negara, tapi dapat UTP"

Jadi, dijadikan ceritanya;
Abu masuk UTP sbb peluang kerja yang luas.
Ali berharap dapat Chemical, tapi ditawarnya pilihan ke-3, Electrical. Tanpa fikir panjang, masuk shj UTP.
Aini masuk UTP, baru nak cari bidang apa yang sesuai dgnnya.
Arina gagal memastikan tempatnya utk ke luar negara, tanpa memikirkan alternatif lain utk masa depannya, masuklah dia ke UTP.

Mendapat kenalan baru, didedahkan dengan budaya kerja, pengenalan kepada nombor-nombor dan teori yang kompleks.
Pada awalnya sangat sukar, tapi kita mereasakan diri kita perlu "survive" dalam foundation.

Alhamdulillah, "survived" katanya.
Foundation dilalui dgn keputusan yang cukup cukup makan. Tidak terlalu tinggi, tidak terlalu rendah.

Yay, mulalah tahun pertama saya disini.
Minggu minggu pertama bukanlah seperti minggu pertama di sekolah rendah, menengah. Awal awal lagi dah kena belajar apa itu Ordinary Differential Equation(ODE), apakah itu Teori Litar (CT), Lukisan kejuruteraan (ED) tak juga Structured Programming(SPI,SPD).
Masih gagah utk berdiri, memahami apa yang kita perlu belajar sepanjang semester ini.
Bila result keluar, "ARGHHHHH"
"Aku tak faham langsung"
"Stress, soalan putar belit"

Lama kelamaan kita mula mempersoalkan diri kita..
"Apakah jalan yang aku ambil ini betul?"

Dulu aku cakap nak jadi seorang doktor, nak jadi seorang polis, guru.. tapi kenapa aku akhirnya tersangkut dalam bidang yang aku sendiri tidak tahu?

Dalam sibuk melayan realiti dunia, kita kadang kadang terlepas pandang terhadap perancangan masa depan kita. Bila rasa susahnya menuntut ilmu, mulalah terfikir nak keluar kursus, keluar universiti, merancang utk ulang semester.

Siapa yang perlu disalahkan?
Aku, kau, dia, mereka, kita?

Apa pun, masa berlalu tanpa berpatah balik sedikit pun.
Apa boleh buat dalam keadaan macam ni?

Ok, mari berdiskusi dan cari beberapa idea;

1. Keluar universiti dan bekerja?
2. Keluar kursus dan masuk kursus lain?
3. Rambo sahaja!

Adakah dengan keluar universiti dan terus bekerja kita boleh hidup dgn sikap kita malas dan tidak mahu berusaha sewaktu dalam semester pertama?

Adakah tukar kursus dengan kursus pilihan lain boleh menyelesaikan masalah?
Kita seakan-akan cuba lari dari masalah dan buat masalah lain.

Rambo saja! Ambil masa utk belajar balik, perbetulkan sikap kita, kejar balik silibus. Belum terlambat utk buat sesuatu, selagi belum gagal usahalah. Gagal bukan pilihan.

Secara umumnya, dunia belajar selepas sekolah bukanlah dunia sekadar petik jari sahaja semua boleh.
Dunia sekarang memerlukan kita utk memahami apa yang kita belajar, bukan sekadar suap masuk kepala dan muntah sewaktu exam. Itu boleh bentuk diri kita seorang fresh undegraduate yang tidak berkualiti. Malah mudah dilabel "tidak laku" di mata syarikat syarikat besar/membangun.
Tidak kiralah tukar kursus berapa byk, kalau diri takde minat dan usaha utk belajar memang sia-sialah.

Bila kita ada masalah nak belajar, kita cari akar masalah kita;
Cara belajar kita betul tak?
Pengurusan masa kita betul tak?
Faham tak apa yang kita cuba belajar?
Adakah pelajaran diutamakan?

Oh, aku pun tidaklah 100% buat apa yang aku cuba sampaikan. Tapi, buat atau tak, benda ni betul.
Buang yang keruh, ambil yang jernih kata orang tua.

Orang lain tak boleh tolong kita utk kejar masa depan melainkan hanyalah utk beri sokongan dan nasihat.
Ada masalah kongsi dan selesaikan bersama. Kawan ada, kaunselor bertauliah@tak bertauliah pun ada.
Tanyalah selagi boleh tanya.

Ehem, dkt atas tu semestinyalah. Dia dengar, dan dia akan makbulkan.

Al Mu'min, Ayat 60:



Maksudnya: "Dan berfirman Tuhanmu "Memohonlah (mendoalah) kepada-Ku, Aku pasti perkenankan permohonan (doa) mu itu."

Semestinya apa yang di beri tu adalah terbaik buat kita.
Jangan cepat putus harapan, jangan cepat berhenti.
Kita masih jauh lagi dari garisan penamat. Lari, Lari, Lari!!!

Jalan ke penamat itu sungguhlah lurus kenapa berjalan pusing sana pusing sini? :)

*heavily breathing*
"Shouldn't I stop fighting, pain is temporary, glory is forever" - slogan silat tempat aku lol

Keep running, grand prize awaits you.

Aku masih disini, menolak kawan kawan aku utk bergerak. Takkanlah aku seorang shj yg berjalan.
You have my very support.

-. - O.K, cukup berleter dan cakap seorang diri. Selamat merancang masa depan anda!
Buat junior, buat keputusan elok elok.

Lama tak post gambar, comel </3 hahahaha
Pena ditutup. Assalamualaikum! </3

Riddles

Life is full of mysteries.
Whenever you encounter a mystery, its either be a nightmare, or a sweet dream.
To have between these two, it comes with a 50-50 probability.
Unfortunately, in a range of 50, comes a probability of 25-25, constructive or destructive.

Life is so random isn't?
It just like you throw a dice, which mean having problems and happiness was this simple.

Despite it was that easy, we ourselves makes it even more complicated.
Just having crush on someone, you make yourself hates her/him.
Just having low grades, you make yourself stupider.
Just having hardships, you make yourself weaker.
Just having problems? Oh yeah, you create yourself having another problems.

And problem on top of problems would create a more negative thought in your mind.
Boom, you lost your identity as human.

Happiness also sometimes being a burden to a human.
It brought yourself into carelessness.
It brought yourself into arrogance.

See, again you lost your identity as human.

Of course, a riddle is a game that needs an answer.
But, you know.. there was no answer at all.

Because for one to improve him/herself, they need experience.
Never take destructive situation to make yourself depressed.
Never take constructive situation for granted.

And slowly, your life began to enter a new phase of life "A New Beginning"

Strike! Home run.
In much simpler words, you need to have faith in yourself, in Allah, and in everyone else that you trust.

Fight oki, fight!

Brave

"Oki dah besar dah matang boleh buat keputusan yang baik kan?"

Back then,
I don't have any confidence in myself.
I mean, If I ever liked someone, I can't.

How am I suppose to express my honest feelings?
Some would say, pray which is true.
Some would say, just say it! which is true.

Its not like when I was rejected, I am not their friends anymore. Actually, its friendzoned.
Friendzoned for me when you tried to get the situation as normal as possible but you failed and everything getting worst.

And then, I know that for some reason, I'm not ready for it.

You know, I live in an awkward world.
Where what you think you do is right, but what they think I do is weird.
Like, come on, who the hell talk about abstract things in a conversation?
Yeah, people hard to understand who am I.

But, luckily, this world is fair enough. There are people who can withstand a human like me.
An awkward man who tried step into love world, its sucks, awful and pathetic.

"Your true color is when nobody sees you" - Some random human.

Yup, If I take time to think about it, the true color of myself was the one who are weird.
I do weird things, away from the norm. But for me its a norm in my life.

Then I started to make multiple characters of my self. I could say, some are the cool guy image, trying-to-be-smart guy image, concerned guy image.
Don't say its a fake image of me. It was real, but somehow it doesn't fit in the society.
When I helped someone, I was dragged to help them until dunno-when-it-will-end.
When I was being helped, I tend to being helped until dunno-when-it-will-end.
When I taught people, I don't even know right words to use in my explanation.
Seriously, it doesn't fit.

So do, love.

Being dependent,
Being picky,
Being lazy,
Being hopeless.

But you see, these attributes restrain myself from changing.
Yeah, it was.
So I worked on it, to change as much as I could.

Without realizing time passed faster than I imagined,
I had myself in the danger zone for an awkward guy, Love.

Norm, love is a norm. Having feelings for someone is a norm, but the matter is how you'd control your feelings.
The best way that I could do is to not to accept, and not to deny my feelings, instead I concealed it deep inside my heart where no one would see it. Despite that, my acts reflects my feelings.

I had the chances, I had the opportunity (which is the same);
But I'm still me, not even moving an inch from start.
*Stunned*, That was my real mistake, I was not brave enough to make it real.

When I revise everything,
If ever I was brave enough, I could make myself more independent.
If ever I was brave enough, I could open myself to accepts things, imperfect one.
If ever I was brave enough, I could make myself a hardworking guy.
If ever I was brave enough, I could change, make, stop things with a single strong will.

Yeah, If I ever I was brave enough, I could have confidence in myself to step into that awkward world.

Before it ends, if ever I had a little feelings towards her,
I know, I should be better than her.

Screw you, I'm serious this time.

"Kalau jodoh itu ada, adalah"

"Kalau kau nak sesuatu maka berdoalah"

"Kalau kita dapat tu lain cerita, kalau kita tak dapat tu pun lain cerita. Tapi worth it kalau kau cuba daripada tak buat apa apa"

Last small note that I attached in this post;
This one, a final.

Brave.

Mumble time ends.

Missing

The world revolves around, but it seems to be another normal day.
But something is weird, weird.
I know I should, survive on my own.

I should learn to be on my own,
Stop overthinking,
Stop sensitive by people's weird reaction,
Stop being stupid and make others had enough with me.

I know I can do this, but its all alone.
Though, there's a little support of the one who understand me.

Past, is a obvious past.
Why should I care about that?

It just that, I'm a little lonely, lonely because we were drifted apart when we got so close together.
People change, I change.
But my heart doesn't, I love them more than everyone else.
With hope, I could gather back, and we gonna smile like we first met.
Even my brain saying "Shut up, and forget already"
I resisted.
Save me.

Dumb

"Nice to meet ya, my name is Syauqi."

Yeah, I love making friends. I tried to have as much as possible friends in this world. Where I believe I could share some happiness, jokes, hardships with them.
But, before I knew it. I was a failure.

Recalled back in 6 years old timeline. The only thing I could remember is my 3 childhood friends.
In the 13 years old timeline. I could only remember myself.
17 years old timeline. I wasn't there.

Friends is somewhat I think I could cry with.
Friends is somewhat I think I could connect myself with.
Success, failure, ups, and downs. Everything with them.

When they were so in need, I was there to help. *I suppose
When they were so out of hands, I was there to pick them up. *I suppose I was.
And then, when everyone go so high to the topmost of the world. It was alone around me.

Wew, I was dumb.
Dumb enough that I was suppose to run together with them reaching top.
Dumb enough that I should care about myself first before them.
Dumb enough that I wasted everything for their smile. Temporary smile.

"Tasukete!" Save me!
But nothing could be heard.

Then, I realized everything. I was so childish. Childish enough to waste my time, energy, everything because they are in trouble. Reality is so cruel when people only looks into your amazement, not your kindness.
Since after that, I removed every single thing called friendship.

I met someone, and I tend to believe in this kind of friendship again. But I was wrong. Wrong.
Dumb.

Because, I failed to understand myself before they could do the same to me.
Since that, I need myself to fix everything rather than waiting for their helps that I had once gave to them.
And to Him I believe that I can do this, and He could help me.

Friendship?
It wasn't real. Unless you are the amazement of blind people.
It wasn't strong. Unless you know what you do, and get things right. Perfectly.
It wasn't there. Unless they understand you, you understand them. And both understand their self.

Until I read this again, I know I was dumb.
Those who understand this, thank you.
Those who didn't, yes I'm crazy.

^mumbles.

University

Assalamualaikum ^^


Hati ni rasa tergerak nak tulis something, maybe I was snapped by a word from my friend.
University.
Yeah, dah hampir setahun duduk dekat UTP ni, iman begitulah, naik turun. Alhamdulillah diberi satu kekuatan utk berubah walaupun kelalaian masih wujud :v

Its almost 3 sem I had been here, dalam satu kata kata senior,
dalam foundation ni kita dapat kenal rakan rakan kita dalam satu batch,
Siapa mereka, Apa mereka, dan Bagaimana mereka.
Dekat sini, kita mengenal siapa kita boleh buat kawan rapat, keluarga dan "musuh"
(TL note: musuh = rival dalam study, pertandingan. Husnudzon hehe)

Dalam universiti jugak kita mengenal dengan lebih mendalam lagi apa itu pengurusan.
Pengurusan masa, tugas dan belajar.

Yup, I had been given an opportunity to join some events yg ada dkt UTP ni,
Firstly it was the English Project :)

We learn about the handicapped, how they live and survive, how they mix around with the community.
Yeah, I felt so sorry for them, they hardly become a normal person like us. Berbeza sangat sangat. Alhamdulillah, kita masih normal berbanding mereka. We should be more grateful with what we have.

Bukan itu saja, dalam project ni, we learn how a report of studies being made through out the project. Nak buat academic poster mcm mana, etc.
Malah, pembahagian tugas. Itu sangat penting, ada kawan yg malas malas. Ada kawan yg sakai bila buat kerja, ada kawan jugak yg doesn't even care about the project. Nak kena suap je hehehe.
Well, bersabar lah. Handle them wisely, tak boleh emo emo. 

Rindu dgn maklong :3


The next event that I had been through is the Down To Earth project.
Apa tu?
Hahaha, its actually an event that mix us, university students dgn community dkt luar. I found that its good to have us mix around once in a while.
We were given an opportunity to be with the orphanage. Yeah, kita tahu mereka mereka ada kekurangan, tak seperti kita. Mereka, mereka sangat kuat. Tak kesah dgn apa yg berlaku and keep living on with their life. 
Bila sebut pasal ujian, kita sama je dgn mereka. Mereka diuji dgn ujian sebegini. Kita?
Setakat kena uji byk kerja dah merungut. Setakat stress dgn kerenah manusia pun dah merungut.

I was stunned by that. Hehe. My bad..
Dalam event ni jugak, kita belajar juga tentang pengurusan. How to handle an event? Wew, I was trusted to be a Head of Department for media department. I don't know but I guess I had try my best to be what I was suppose to.
Hahaha, aku faham la dalam setiap committee mesti ada kerenah dia. Dalam committee ni aku jumpa banyak manusia dan topeng topeng dia. Bukan nak memburuk buruk kan seseorang but, that's them. That's how they work in reality. Mungkin cara diorang betul, mungkin ada sedikit tak kena. But try to adapt and on the other side, they change to be what ease more people ^^

sebelah saya ni recruit saya :p

Rakan seperjuangan dgn keluarga anak anak yatim! :D


In the end, we got to know each other more more more and more.
Dulu kita kata merekalah yg terbaik, now its otherwise
Dulu kita kata merekalah yg terburuk, now its otherwise.

I can say that people perspective on something keep change as the time goes.
Just that, kawan.. its too early to judge people. Now you can say bad, but its gonna be otherwise soon.
Kalau kita rasa mereka salah, maafkan.

Maaflah, aku rasa tersentap dgn kata kata kawan aku baru baru ini. It makes situation more awkward.

No rush, be happy with what you do, and keep challenge the world for betterment of yourself especially :)
Bila ada masalah, bising bising jugak, tapi solusi kena cari.
Bila rasa putus harapan dgn sesuatu, jgn la bersedih. Kita pilih utk berada dalam sesuatu perkara, so we take that as our responsibilities until the very end.
Share your problems is an option, but not in the public. (I guess I am doing it right now :v)

Smile, smile, and smile. I hope I don't hurt anyone. If so, I'm sorry. Sorry sangat.
Kalau boleh kita cari masa kongsi apa yg kita rasa ok :)

I'm here, not running anywhere.
Allah juga ada, every single second.

With that, good night.

"Being strong for long time." terkata seorang sahabat aku.
"My past keeps hunting over and over again" terkata hati aku.
"How do I being so strong" terkata minda aku
"Smile, is what makes you stronger" tertulis sendiri sahaja sahaja

Assalamualaikum.
Alhamdulillah, sudah raya rupanya. Salam aidil adha!
15/10/2013.

I am reminding you, future me :v
Sahaja hambar sangat malam ni so terasa nak tulis post yang hambar dgn bahasa yang hambar. ._.

Every time and space dalam kehidupan kita is what we call as a lesson.
Bangun tidur dan masih bernafas is a lesson. Allah masih bagi peluang utk beribadah.
Dapat merasa makanan yang lazat dan bernutrisi tinggi is a lesson. Ada rezeki utk membesar kuat dan hebat.
Masih dapat berfikir juga is a lesson. At least, with that you can think what's right, what's wrong.
Pernah fikir lesson remeh temeh ini?

Tapi kita alih ke satu scope yang common dan lebih mendalam lagi.
Aku, kau, dia, mereka, kami; satu kumpulan yg tak terlepas dari ujian yang maha Esa.

Ya betul, dalam apa yg kita lalui, hari hari kena uji.
Nak exam, kemalangan, kematian, kehilangan, dan positivenya kesenangan.

Pertamanya, dalam ujian yg kita lalui, bersyukurkah kita?
Keduanya, berapa kali kita merungut utk satu masalah yg kita lalui?
Ketiganya, kau ada masalah, kau ada cari penyelesaian?
Terakhirnya, dalam penyelesaian yang kita jumpa, ada kita muhasabah balik? :v

Oh my future self, kalau fikir balik nampak mcm sebijik from buku ilmu yang kita belajar dulu.
Tapi sesakai-sakai nya pun, RARELY i could see people doing this.
Bersyukur itu mungkin, but Muhasabah. Itu tidak pasti.

Belum pasti juga mereka yg kata "Oh, bestlah post awak!" akan ambil iktibar dan terus muhasabah dari titik mula mereka membaca post ini.

Hehe, I know I know. This past of yourself ni tidaklah baguih sangat. But aku tengah improve, improve, improve. Cuma, I failed a lot. I was hoping the other future me would never give up too and be better than me.

Oh, I might be sending special notes for you to some of your friends too. Dah baca? :v
Eh.

Back to the topic,
So life somehow people sees at a certain time "frustrating" "burdening" etc.
Bila putus or clash dgn "be" "f", keeps under the same loop. Post apa-apa lah yg "frustrating". **if you know what i mean. :)
Bila gagal, "aku tak pndai, tak patut kawan dgn kau" :v *....
Bila susah dan terus susah, "I shouldn't born" "Aku selalu kena uji" *...wow

But secara vice versa?
Bila kaya, "Mari mari aku belanja, parent aku kasi visa utk aku perabih duit utk hampa semua" *hehe
Bila pandai, "Mari aku ajar kau, kau boleh, kau boleh punya!" *he he he.
Bila ada cough cough, "..." *censored. what I mean is post itu sakai :v maybe syukur sangat.
Bila senang, "Alhamdulillah dgn apa yg Allah beri, mari, mari aku nak kongsi kegembiraan ini".

If lah, if and only if you take the negative part of life into the positive part.
You got problems you should share with whom you trust *except me :v idk why.
You doing things by your owh lah you should start asking for some ask *except something you don't have to la
You putus or something or whatever lah you start saying "Dia bukan jodoh aku, okay full stop mari belajar dan berjaya yeah yeah!" *:p hehehehehehe
You failed over and over again lah you should keep moving on! YOU CAN DO IT YEAHH :p

Mindset itu penting.
Its what makes you standing stronger.
Bila gagal kita mindset, muhasabah. gitu :p

I do really hope that, you are getting stronger and better now myself. :p
"Belum terlambat utk bertaubat/berubah" kata orang, kata diri sndiri dulu.

The end of this. Maaf ye diri sndiri sbb sakai and straight to the point but berlapik satu lapis tisu :v
I just got few ideas to write about this after few things happened and tried to kupas those few statements in the introduction.
I believe I had been strong because I'm writing this.
I believe My past keeps hunting me for something beneficial like this.
I believe How do I be strong is because I'm thinking to write this for you future self :v
I believe.. that I Smile not for nothing, because I'm getting even stronger! :)

3, 2, 1.
:v okay, itu sahaja. All the best in the future. :p
May Allah bless you and assist you in every good deeds you do.

Assalamualaikum.
2.32AM, 15/10/2013.
18 years old.
Standing stronger.